My father is a good communicator in public settings but on a personal level he has never been good at communicating with my family.
My dad is a doctor, so it is necessary for him to communicate with different individuals on a daily basis. I know that publicly he is very professional and uses good eye contact when he is speaking. When I was younger, rules in the medical field were different and at various times, I was allowed to do rounds with my dad when he would see patients who are in the hospital. I would watch him and the way he interacted with different people. I think my dad does a good job communicating on a professional level.
In my home there was a lack of communication. My parents would talk but not really communicate. Over time my mother just took care of everything, including my dad. It got to the point where they just wouldn't really communicate at all and my dad seemed to think everything was fine, but my mom was struggling. She has overcome this with time, but I think sometimes it still bothers her. I remember a few times growing up when I would try to say something to my dad or tell him about something and my dad would say, "Shh I'm trying to watch this." or he would simply turn the television up so he could not hear me.
Reflecting on this situation is interesting. I think one reason why I struggle with communicating with others in my life now is because in some ways I lacked a model of what this should look like. I have had a hard time opening up to people. For me it has always been a matter of, if I just keep quiet and don't talk about it and let things go, then I can keep people happy. This has been proven wrong many times over, but it is still difficult for me. I have a fear of talking to people because I feel as though if I upset them, then they won't want me anymore. I also found this reflection about how my dad communicates interesting because I have not put much though into it before, but it is curious to think that people would communicate differently in different situations. In a professional setting he is a good active listener and he communicates well, but I always felt like at home it was a different story.
Thank you Amy for sharing such a personal story regarding the communications between you and your father. It is very similar to the relationship between my father and I. My father was a communicator only if I initiated the communication. My father would never call to check on me as a child. I always had to call him and speak with him. I was not raised in the same home as my father but I did spend all of my vacations with him. My father was a provider who provided everything that I needed as a child but there was always something missing from our relationship. As an adult, I still feel the hurt and the pain from what I lacked when I was a child. I understand your feelings. my father passed away October 24, 2014 and I wish we could have talked about so many things and spent so much ,ore time together but it's too late.
ReplyDeleteI am married to a man that works within our community. He's always working, advocating, doing charity, and helping to stop gang violence. Many nights when he arrives home, he's so mentally exhausted that he has nothing to give to our 11 year old son. Some times I wonder and say "stop trying to save the world and spend time with your son". It's very difficult to understand but as you said with your mom time heals or it helps us to numb the hurts that we have.
I pray that all gets well between you and your family!
Cotati
Hi Amy,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post. My father was not a good communicator either. I think because of the language barrier and he really didn't want to learn English. Today he speaks perfect English and he seem to communicate with everyone on a more personal level than before. Sometimes as we get older we seem to communicate different than when we were younger. Give it some time things will change for you and your family.
Darrell Sallam